There is a particular kind of exhaustion that comes from being a woman in business, and it has very little to do with the number of hours you work.
You learn very quickly that the same behaviour can be interpreted differently depending on who is doing it. A man who is direct is decisive. A woman who is direct can be difficult. A man who knows what he wants is confident, while woman who knows what she wants is quickly labeled as intimidating. Men who negotiate hard are doing business, but women who do the same thing are all of a sudden seen as aggressive. Nobody questions the ambition and hunger of men, while women still need to explain why they feel the right to want more.
And then there is the language. Words like “a little intense”, “very driven” or “quite particular” with a distinctly negative connotation come to mind. Suddenly, being called “strong-minded” can feel like an insult. You should perhaps “soften your approach.” You might want to be “more approachable.” Someone will tell you that you need to “let people in” when what they really mean is that your authority makes them uncomfortable.
None of this means that every difficult interaction a woman has in business is sexism. Sometimes we are simply being difficult. Sometimes our communication needs work. Sometimes our idea is not good enough. Being a woman does not make us immune to criticism, and I have no interest in building a worldview where every obstacle is someone else’s fault.
But pretending gender never affects how women are perceived is equally unrealistic. Which brings me to the part I find much more interesting than complaining about it.
How do you build a successful business without allowing the experience of being constantly evaluated, questioned or misunderstood to turn you into someone you do not want to become? Because there are two very easy traps:
The first is shrinking. You become overly agreeable. You explain yourself before anyone has asked. You soften every opinion until it barely resembles one. You undercharge because asking for more feels uncomfortable. You hesitate before sending the email. You add three paragraphs of context to a perfectly reasonable boundary. You say “sorry” when what you actually mean is “this is the decision.”
The second is hardening. You decide that you will never need anyone’s approval again. You become hyper-independent. You stop listening. You interpret every disagreement as disrespect, turn your nervous system into a permanent state of defence, and call it ambition.
Neither is freedom.
I think the real skill is learning how to remain authentic while becoming increasingly difficult to destabilize. That is where nervous-system regulation becomes relevant to business in a way that goes far beyond candles, breathing exercises and telling yourself to slow down.
A regulated nervous system does not mean being calm all the time, but rather having enough internal stability that someone else’s opinion does not immediately dictate your behaviour. With a well regulated nervous system you gain the skill to make decisions from strategy rather than from the emotional need to prove something.
Because I think women sometimes get sold a strange version of empowerment in which success means becoming completely unaffected by other people. I don’t believe that is realistic nor true. Of course we’ll care. Of course certain comments will hurt. Of course there will be days when being underestimated, interrupted, patronised or dismissed gets under our skin.
But there is a very significant distinction between responding from a regulated state of being, and reacting from chaos. Here’s a hard truth (also one I think lies behind so many failed businesses): your business will eventually expose your relationship with yourself.
If you need everyone to like you, difficult conversations become unbearable. If you need to be right, feedback becomes threatening. If you need to prove your worth, rest starts to feel irresponsible. If you believe everything depends on you, delegation feels dangerous. If you equate productivity with value, slowing down can feel like failure, etc. And these patterns’ cost grows exponentially alongside your business. Do not become less expensive just because your business gets bigger. So the solution for this is not to stifle your ambition, but build internal security.
Know your values, beliefs and standards. Get clarity on numbers, criticism and praise, learn to distinguish discomfort from danger, feedback from rejection, urgency from importance, and learn to leave some things unanswered.
Not every opinion deserves a response. Not every person deserves access to you. Not every misunderstanding needs to be corrected. Not every room needs to approve of you before you are allowed to take up space in it.
While there is a version of female entrepreneurship that is constantly asking women to become more: more confident, more visible, more resilient, more productive, more fearless, I am increasingly interested in something else: becoming more anchored.
Because a very likely scenario is that the next level of your business does not require a new strategy, but a change in leadership.
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